There is a lot of buzz these days about not using locks and using Message passing approaches like Erlang. Or about using immutable datastructures like in Functional programming
That's real life : you need to account for this possibility regardless of the language / platform. In a distributed world (the real world), things fail: live with it.
Of course there is a cost: nothing is free in our universe. But shouldn't you use another medium (e.g. file, db) instead of shuttling "big objects" in communication pipes? You can always use "message" to refer to "big objects" stored somewhere.
Of course not: the idea behind functional programming / Erlang OTP is to "isolate" as much as possible the areas were "shared state" is manipulated. Futhermore, having clearly marked places where shared state is mutated helps testability & traceability.
I believe you are missing the point: there is no such thing as a silver bullet. If your application cannot be successfully built using Erlang then don't do it. You can always some other part of the overall system in another fashion i.e. use a different language / platform. Erlang is no different from another language in this respect: use the right tool for the right job.
Remember: Erlang was designed to help solve concurrent, asynchronous and distributed problems. It isn't optimized for working efficiently on a shared block of memory for example... unless you count interfacing with nif
functions working on shared blocks part of the game :-)