I am so used to attach a process when debugging ASP.NET application in .NET 2.0 and VS.NET 2005. I don\'t know what happened to this functionality in VS.NET 2008.
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Okay, it sounds like you're suffering from a couple problems.
1) Automatic startup of the webdev server: This is usually caused by a project in your solution being set to "Always start when debugging". Simply click the project in the solution explorer and hit F4 to bring up the properties window, and change it from "True" to "False". You might need to check all the projects in the solution.
2) Attaching to a process should be done when the site is published to a real IIS, which I'm assuming you're doing. I'm not totally familiar with IIS under Vista, but you'll need to go into it and make sure that debugging is enabled for your web application. If you're doing this, you shouldn't need to bother with the Start Page or using custom servers.
Hope that helps some.