That particular first example is a bad idea. Per-row functions do not scale well as the table gets bigger. In fact, a (likely) better way to do it would be to index LastName and use something like:
SELECT P.LastName, 'Michael' AS FirstName
FROM University.PhilosophyProfessors P
WHERE P.LastName = 'Baldwin'
UNION ALL SELECT P.LastName, 'Bruce' AS FirstName
FROM University.PhilosophyProfessors P
WHERE P.LastName <> 'Baldwin'
On databases where data are read more often than written (and that's most of them), these sorts of calculations should be done at write time such as using an insert/update trigger to populate a real FirstName field.
Databases should be used for storing and retrieving data, not doing massive non-databasey calculations that will slow down everything.
